"Epic Fail" 6x03

House 603: Epic Fail

Signing up for cooking lessons with a BFF: $1200
Solving a case online and besting your old team: $25000
Watching Taub get attacked by imaginary birds and seeing Cuddy get called a hooker in Mandarin: Priceless


When the show first starts I thought for a brief moment my hi-def tv was on the wrong channel. The screen is filled with a computer-animated scene of the inside of an old, grown-over tunnel system. Someone is walking through it and we are following his/her/its line of vision. The place looks like the InGen labs in Jurassic Park 3, a movie that tried to capture the awesomeness of the first one but fell about this……………………………………………………short. Anyway, the point of view changes and we see Steve the Monkey Warrior, Larry the Lizard Warrior and Bob the Cat-like Warrior. (Names were changed to protect the innocent.) They are walking through the corridors trying to figure out where everyone is. They decide to try the Feeding Area, although it means certain peril. They open the door and are greeted with bloody carcasses and killer birds. It looks much like the Feeding Area at my house around dinner time…. The Monkey Warrior heads in and is soon overtaken by birds. The Cat-like Warrior tries to help but they need the Lizard Warrior’s super bazooka. Unfortunately for both, Lizard Warrior is nowhere to be seen. The others call for Larry, but there’s no answer. We cut to a really cool game room and two total gamer dudes taking off helmets and putting down their plastic guns. The third place for game playing is empty. A helmet and plastic bazooka lay on the ground. “Vince?” one of the gamers calls out. “Where are you dude?” They find him in the office where he’s sitting on a couch that I want to own and he’s staring at his hands. “My hands are on fire!” he screams, clearly in huge amounts of pain.

Cut to opening credits. Did they put the rowing guys on the river in homage to Mr. Laurie’s fabled rowing past. Hmmmmmm.

We open to the ER Room at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital (Yeah! There’s no place like home.) 13 is talking to Vince, burning hand guy. She has no idea why he has the symptoms he does and she’s transferring him. He asks, “Don’t you have some kind of famous diagnostic guy?” he wonders. “Where is he?”

“He” is currently in Cuddy’s office quitting. Foreman says he can’t do that, but I’m not sure of his reasoning. Cuddy asks House if he’s okay. House, sadly, tells her that he is and he wants to stay that way. His doctor thinks it’s best if he doesn’t come back to the department as it might make him regress. Booo, Dr. Nolan. House does look disappointed, but he’s definitely trying to change so Kudos to Dr. House. Cuddy says fine to House’s resignation and House leaves. It takes all of 11 seconds (I counted) for Foreman to swoop in and ask for House’s job. Cuddy is disgusted but realizes that House would have done the same thing. She gives Foreman one chance to convince her he’s up to the task.

Back in the Diagnostics department 13, Taub and Foreman enter and begin taking off big white sheets that are draped over everything. I guess it’s to signify that nothing has been happening since last season but it looks like my grandparent’s cabin when we went back up in summer. Oh well. They throw out ideas and come up with a good one, Complex Regional Pain Syndrom, to run with. Foreman crows that they did that all by themselves. They don’t need House. 13 comments that something is still missing. Taub pipes up with, “I’m short. He’s black. You’re gay….-ish.” “That’s it,” says 13, smiling.

Taub and 13 visit Vince to tell him what they think he has and he counteracts with a different diagnosis. It seems he’s Googled his symptoms and has come up with mercury poisoning. He insists on being tested for it and Taub and 13 agree, seeing no harm in letting the patient have some input. Oh, they’re going to regret that decision!

Foreman is entering the inner sanctum of the diagnostic department, House’s office. He pulls the sheet off from House’s desk to reveal it’s been left untouched since House sent himself into insulin shock last season. We get a huge close-up of House’s thinking ball. NO, Foreman! Don’t do it! Don’t touch House’s ball! UHG! He not only touches it but picks it up and bounces it around. Look, Dr. Foreman. I knew Gregory House and you, sir, will never be Gregory House. Cameron walks in and Foreman manages to insult Chase, Mr. Cameron to you, within seconds of saying hi. Maybe he is closer to being Gregory House than I thought…. Cameron congratulates Foreman and tells him he’ll do a great job. Foreman is hesitant but thankful. They talk about House and Foreman relates that he was honest, sincere and…that the encounter was kind of weird. Cameron asks where his peeps are and Foreman says in the cath lab doing spine stimulation on Vince. Cameron says, “No, they’re not. I was just there.” Uh-oh. Foreman’s team is already not doing as instructed? Not a good omen, my friend.

Foreman finds his team in the lab testing Vince’s blood for mercury poisioning. Foreman proceeds to assert his dominance over everyone by getting all huffy and preachy and “I’m-in-chargey” with them. It is not appreciated, but kinda expected. The team should have done what Foreman asked them too. Taub agrees but only because the mercury levels weren’t high enough to support the mercury poisoning theory. They go to tell “Marcus Webby” he’s wrong. Tee-hee. Loved that pun.

House is in a therapy session with Nolan and my hand immediately cramps up because it remembers the last episode where there was so much dialog and character development in those therapy sessions that I almost always ended up writing the scene verbatim onto my notebook. I am relieved that this scene is not nearly as in depth. House reports his leg pain is getting worse and Nolan suggests a “non-lame hobby,” to distract House. Nolan suggests doing something with his new roomie that his roomie would like to do. Whew. That wasn’t so bad.

Foreman is at Vince’s bedside introducing himself as Genius 2.0. Vince seems okay with House not being there and the lame computer programmer joke. Foreman reports the results of the mercury poisoning tests and says that it’s now time for Spine stimulation, the originally requested test. Vince still wants to be treated for excess mercury in his system through mercury chelation. He definitely doesn’t want a needle shoved into his spine. Foreman decides to pull a House and tells Vince that if that’s the case they’re done. Vince can just go somewhere else and have another doctor do whatever he wants. “Or you can stick around and be cured.” Foreman begins to leave the room but is called back by Vince. Fine, he says.

We are in the cath lab with Taub, 13 and Vince, who is getting the needle shoved in his spine. 13 commends him on choosing to do the procedure and Vince tells her that Foreman strongarmed him into it, which he admires, by the way. During the procedure, however, Vince starts having chest pains and can’t breathe. They have to stop the procedure and give him oxygen as his lungs are filling with fluid. That’s a bad thing, right?

The team is sitting at the conference table and tell Foreman that Vince has a thickened left ventricle, which freaked out with the high heart rate from the stress of the spine stimulation and caused fluid to leak into his lungs. Foreman realizes his test was to blame but his loving, supportive girlfriend says that the test did lead them to the heart problem. Foreman sighs and says, “We just lucked into it.” Welcome to Houseland my friend. Where the first, second, third, and fourth diagnoses are never right and leads to the fifth, sixth and seventh diagnoses. One day, I’d like to watch an episode where the team in on a roll and diagnosing the correct disease on the first try with a series of patients. Of course, it wouldn’t make for much drama, but it could be funny…. Foreman thinks that with a software deadline looming, Vince might be using Cocaine. 13 offers to search Vince’s office, but Foreman decides to just ask the patient….wait. Ask the patient? Hmmmm.

House and Wilson are in a big industrial kitchen with multiple stovetops and cooking stations. It’s a cooking class! House has signed up with Wilson for a cooking class. I can almost taste the humorous interaction coming. They are making meatballs, and House is having a hard time being mature about that fact, but he’s trying. I’d love for a voice over on House’s thoughts during this scene! Wilson chastising him for not taking this seriously, after all it was Nolan who suggested it. House apologizes then sees Wilson’s meatballs burning. This time he doesn’t do so well at biting his tongue. As House is just getting started with the “ball-related” comments, he has an epiphany about the burned meatballs. Using medical lab reasoning, House uses vinegar to take the burnt edges off the meatballs and keep them from burning more before they cook. “Thanks, House. You saved…my balls.” Wilson deadpans. “That’s the spirit!” House says happily. Yeah, but that’s also going to be a nasty tasting meatball with vinegar on it. Hope Wilson is making a sauce of some kind….

13 and Foreman are talking to Vince in his hospital room. Vince is not impressed with his near death experience and decided to do a background check on his doctors. He has hacked into Foreman’s profile and discovered a hot picture of Foreman and 13 in swimwear. 13 is “rockin’ a cheetah print bikini.” Vince asks Foreman if he blocks everybody or really only has 3 friends. Tee-hee. Who? 13 for sure. Cameron, probably, ‘cause she’s everyone’s friend and I can see her accepted total strangers ‘cause she doesn’t want to hurt their feelings. Don’t know about the 3rd. Ideas, anyone? Foreman is mad that Vince is ogling his girlfriend and asks him if he’s taking drugs. He responds sincerely that he did but got cleaned up when his roommate overdosed in college. 13 and Foreman leave Vince to drool over 13’s bikini shot. Out in the hallway, Foreman tells 13 to search Vince’s office anyway. Foreman starts to whine about not being House and 13 comforts him and says he’s doing fine. She gives him a pep talk and he feels better. Then he orders her to meet him for dinner at 7pm, not 8 like she requested. She does not like this.

House opens the door to find Cuddy at the door. She says hi and he announces he’s making gnocchi. She follows him to the kitchen where House introduces Cuddy to Cecilia, a cooking school classmate, who, according to House doesn’t speak English. She’s stirring something in a big pot on the stove. The woman turns and raises her eyebrow at Cuddy, then looks at House, asking in Mandarin, “Who’s the broad?” “A missionary,” he responds to Cecilia’s disbelief. “If she’s a missionary why is she dressed like a prostitute?” Cecelia asks. “I was talking about the position,” House responds without looking up from the pasta he is now cutting on his butcher block island. Even without knowing the topic of conversation going on around her, Cuddy is uncomfortable, obviously, and gets up her gumption to ask House if she’s the reason that he’s not coming back to the hospital. Is their mixed up and then non-existent relationship behind his running away? House says no. He summarizes their relationship last season in four sentences: We flirted. We kissed. I fondled. I hallucinated a night with you and screamed it from the balcony. House assures Cuddy that she is not the reason behind his leaving….although we all know she’s a big chunk of it. Not having to deal with his feelings for her right now can only speed up his other processes of keeping clean and moving on. Right? Well, Cuddy gets the guts and asks House, “Well, what am I?” And House immediately responds with, “Not the reason I left.” Deflecting comes too naturally, I’m afraid, but he’s smart too by playing it safe right now. They give each other The Look of Love. Oh, I missed that look. Then Cecelia breaks the moment by saying…in English, “Lady, either kiss him or leave. We got work to do.” Cuddy is embarrassed not only to be called out on her intentions but to learn that Cecilia speaks English and understood everything she and House just discussed. Cuddy leaves but not before one more lingering look. House stares after her and processes. This is going to be a long season, I’m thinking, and my Huddy heart can’t take a season like last year’s again. Oh, boy.

We see Lizard Warrior and Monkey Warrior walking through the corridors of the InGen lab like we saw in the opening sequence. I start laughing when the Lizard Warrior speaks and it’s Taub. The Monkey Warrior replies using 13’s voice. Yeah! Taub is the tall one! I can hear the conversation before the game. I bet Taub straightaway refused to be the short hairy character…again! They are playing the game at Vince’s office and talking about the awkwardness hovering around the team now that Foreman is in charge. Taub is not surprised with how things are going. He is surprised however by the “big-ass bird” he sees busting into the lab in the game. He and 13 start to shoot the birds but 13 is more interested and impressed with the amount of detail that the birds have. Then we get a first. We’ve seen a lot doctors get that “Bing!” look of epiphany on the show but this is the first time we see a Warrior Monkey get it. We see the Monkey and hear 13 say, “I know what’s wrong with him!” It’s very cool. She takes off her gear and races out, meanwhile Taub is laying on the floor swatting at imaginary birds. “A little help here!” It’s funny. I watched it twice.

Taub and 13 tell Vince that he has psittacosis from the birds he dissected while doing research for his game. Vince says, yeah, whatever, if that can give you a three-hour erection. He’s had it since checking out 13 on the internet. Taub and 13 quickly realize it’s not psittacosis. I have all sorts of off-color comments in my brain right now but I shall move on.

Back at the department, the three members of the team are shooting around ideas. Taub sort of agrees with Foreman, but 13 feels strongly about her idea. Foreman ends the conversation by saying the team will be going with his idea. Taub looks on and you know he’s noticing that the Love Boat is racing straight toward the jagged outcropping of rocks….

As Foreman and 13 walk to Vince’s room they bicker more and it bugs me so I won’t tell any of it. Let’s just say I’m reminded of some conversations I had….in junior high. The approach Vince’s room and see two men in with Vince. Vince introduces them as doctors. It seems as though Vince has posted his symptoms online and is taking multiple opinions. One of the doctors gets the boot when his opinion involves using his Papaya Toxin Cleanse System for $395. The second doctor thinks Vince has a brain tumor and needs an MRI. Foreman thinks that’s a load of crap and presents the diagnosis “his team came up with.” Vince asks 13 for her opinion for the tiebreaker. Instead of clearly backing Foreman, she says both ideas have merit. Foreman, takes the knife out of his back as Vince says he wants the MRI.

It’s early morning and Wilson stumbles into his kitchen. House is awake, having never gone to sleep due to leg pain. He has been creating culinary masterpieces. Wilson whines about it being early and having to taste test things, etc, etc. House quietly confides that he wanted to go out and score some vicodin, but got out the pots and pans instead. Wilson instantly becomes House’s Number One Foodie and tastes House’s creations, praising the food and House with one line, “Good choice. So, so good.”

We are at the MRI with Vince in it. Foreman and 13 are still in junior high and bicker. Blah. Blah. Blah. They also see no brain tumor so it’s back to “the Team’s diagnosis.”

When House opens the door of Wilson’s apartment this time he finds 13 standing there. She’s there on a “medical consult” which House calls her out on. He has just been waiting for her to show up to whine/discuss Evil Foreman. He actually gives pretty good advice. He tells her she’ll be happier if she learns when to give in. 13 is surprised to get such sound advice from House. While talking House has created a treat and asks 13 to try it. She is amazed at how delicious it is, claiming it’s the best thing she’s ever eaten, including what House, who’s leering at her, is thinking of right now. She congratulates him on his Super Mad Cooking Skillz, but it’s empty praise as House softly states that his leg still hurts. It was a good scene and I didn’t hate 13 in it. Wow.

Foreman meanwhile has run to Chase for advice. Chase says to fire her or break up with her. He says 13 is just doing her job so Foreman has to deal with it. Foreman decides he doesn’t want to talk about it with Chase after all. I think he was wanting a bit more “She’s crazy for acting that way to you. You rock,” from Chase, but Chase ain’t stupid, man. He’s learned a lot from that whole dead husband sperm thing.

It’s morning at Wilson’s apartment and Wilson finds House sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser on TV. He’s downing a quart of ice cream straight from the box. Yo! I’ve been there, man. Wilson is surprised he’s not cooking. House just claims that he’s taking a break from cooking and lies to Wilson about his leg pain. I get sad seeing House reverting back to his old downer self.

The next scene House is with Nolan telling him the truth. His leg is killing him and he’s close to breaking down. Cooking only helped for a while and now he’s worried he’s going to go back to what it was like before. Pills and all. Nolan tells him to keep trying and have patience. Yeah, thanks, Dr. Nolan.

13 opens the door of her loft to see Foreman standing there in the hallway holding a pastry bag. He offers her the “I’m totally stupid, please forgive me” symbolic….donut. The florist was closed. He apologizes, she accepts and they start to get busy, but get interrupted by their pages.

Taub is with Vince and his enormous lymph nodes, which have swollen up since the MRI. This new symptom AGAIN voids their previous diagnosis. Vince is ticked and it now offering $25,000 online to anyone who can solve the case.

House has returned to his old apartment. He is very cautious as he looks around and remembers what didn’t really happen there. Sad. He shuffles over to his hallway closet and pulls a bottle of Vicodin pills from a tennis shoe. He stares at it trying to decide which is worse- leg pain or delusions and depression….. hmmmmmmmm.

Back in the Diagnostic Department at PPTH the phone is ringing off the hook. The fax machine, too. And all the doctor’s cell phones and pagers. It’s loud and crazy. Finally, 13 unplugs the phone and fax machine and the three realize they’ve got a mess on their hands. They go to Vince’s room with a big stack of faxes with diagnoses. Foreman stands there and discredits a few before telling Vince to stop it with the online stuff. Vince is obviously not a good listener because he tells Foreman that he has amylodosis, which is the “wisdom of the crowd” online. Foreman makes a deal (dude, you are so not tough. House would have kicked him to the curb after the first online suggestions.) Vince will get tested for amylodosis and when it returns negative he will allow Foreman and his team to test and treat him for whatever they decide is wrong. Vince agrees.

Wilson shows up midday at his apartment. He’s there to “have lunch” but House knows differently. House is folding laundry, he’s happy, he’s singing and apparently not in any pain as he carries a full laundry basket down the hallway without using his cane. I can hear Wilson’s suspicion radar beeping from here.

Taub enters House’s…Foreman’s office and says that the test for amylodosis came back positive. Foreman is chagrined that the crowd was right. Taub gives his resignation to piggyback the already crushing ego blow Foreman has just received. It seems that, no offense, he came to PPTH to work with House so…he’s been offered another job. No offense.

13 and Foreman are laying on her bed. Yuck. She’s giving him a pep talk and telling him that he fixed the patient even though he didn’t really solve the problem. He’s clearly not impressed with her reasoning. She offers to tell him a bedtime story about her college roommate and I immediately fast forward the DVR.

Wilson is in Cuddy’s office and tells her that House is up to something. Wilson put a trap in the toilet to catch House’s pee for testing and while the pee came back negative for drugs it tested positive as belonging to a Labrador retriever. Cuddy immediately thinks House is using again. Where’s the trust among friends, people? He’s your friend! What has he done to deserve this lack of trust….. Oh…yah. Okay. Point taken. Moving on.

13 goes to Vince’s room and doesn’t find him there because Vince is currently in the lobby of PPTH hallucinating that he’s in his video game fighting off killer bats and “big-ass birds.” Wow. That lobby is a happening place: hallucinating patients and doctors; half-dressed pirate strippers; announcements of secret trysts; fat guys falling on skinny doctors through glass doors. That lobby rocks! Vince sees two bad guys who look suspiciously like his doctors come to get him and he tries to fight them off by throwing a coffee/thermal bomb at them. They discover he’s burning up with fever which also burns up the amylodosis as the main cause of everything.

Vince is in the ice tub. It’s the only thing that is keeping his fever at a controllable level. Foreman and 13 have forgotten their make-up sex and are arguing again over the diagnosis. 13 wants to look online again but Foreman says that wasn’t the deal he had with Vince. It’s the Foreman Show now, baby and he’s taking the stage. He’s going with Light Chain Deposition Disorder and asks 13 if she’s okay with that. She stops to think and I know she hears House’s voice in her brain when she replies, “Yes,” giving in to Foreman. It doesn’t appear to make her as happy as House said it would. She leaves and Foreman goes in to talk to Vince. Foreman tells him his new diagnosis and that the treatment could be deadly. Vince is totally defeated. Hallucinations will do that to a guy. Ask House. Oh, he can’t. Nevermind. Foreman asks if he wants more information but Vince says to do whatever he thinks he should. Foreman tells Vince that his career rides on this case, which doesn’t seem as important as Vince’s life, he knows, but he won’t mess up. Vince is still, “Whatever,” and Foreman pulls him out of the tub.

The next scene we see Wilson and Cuddy standing in front of House, who is sitting on the sofa in Wilson’s apartment. It reminds me of many a scene I had with my parents during high school. I was the one on the couch…. They know he’s on vicodin. House counters that all they know is that he got a dog to pee in a toilet. Aren’t they impressed? They are not amused and House is miffed. He’s just having fun. Cuddy sadly says they can’t trust him. House replies, “Et tu, Boo-tay?” I died laughing and had to rewind the scene to catch the dialog I missed while laughing. So House says, Fine. I’ll give you proof. He does this by pouring his coffee into a plant by the couch, standing up and turning away from Wilson and Cuddy. Then he pees into the empty mug. “My godson made that mug for me,” laments Wilson. House puts the mug on the coffee table, although that is now a misnomer, and walks off. Cuddy thanks Wilson for dragging her into this mess.

We get a generous helping of Foreman when he comes out of the showers in the locker room wearing nothing but a low-slung towel. He reaches for his Axe body spray because he is their target market, and has an epiphany when he sees his wrinkly fingertips. He races to the Chemo Room where he tells 13 to stop the chemo treatments on Vince. Vince has Fabry’s disease, which apparently makes it impossible for your skin to absorb water, among other things, I’m sure. 13 has already stopped treatments because she already tested Vince for Fabry’s disease and he tested positive. Foreman asks how she came up with that. What…no one can figure anything out but you? Egotistical…. Oh, no, she didn’t figure it out. She checked online again and someone posted that diagnosis this morning. Foreman walks away, disgusted but shiney clean.

Later that night 13 comes into Foreman’s office and congratulates him on his new job. It seems they didn’t let Cuddy know they didn’t really come up with the correct diagnosis themselves. Hmmmm. They bicker again, sort of, but then 13 tells him that it’s only their first case with this type of relationship and they’ll work it out eventually. Foreman is afraid that by the time they figure out how to work together they’ll hate each other. 13 thinks he’s breaking up with her, but Foreman is too twitterpated to let her go…..so, he’s just letting her go. Professionally, I mean. She is understandably confused to get fired… by her boyfriend.

House is sitting across from Nolan. House tells Nolan that he slipped. He hands Nolan a check made out to Greg House for $25,000 (and I won’t get into the fact that Vince had to know that was the Genius 1.0’s name). He knew he wasn’t supposed to do it, but he was about to pop some pills when he went online to a diagnosis website. He saw his old team’s case there and solved it. And his leg stopped hurting for a while. Nolan is surprised but realizes that the very thing that might make House fall again could also be the one thing that keeps him from falling again. And that, my friends, is the definition of a double-edged sword. Nolan says he needs to go back because the risk of not going back may be too great. House looks up and thinks about this before saying quietly, “Guess we’re going to find out.” Cut to black.

Overall I think this is a pretty good episode. I could have used more Hugh Laurie in it, but understand the producers/writers reasoning. I look forward to have the old team back together, but will actually miss Taub. He was great in this episode. I’m sure he’ll return once House returns….right? Fingers crossed. Thanks for reading. See you next week!